


Wither

by loonagarbage



Series: The Loona Lesbiverse [3]
Category: LOONA (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Fluff, Romance, Unrequited Crush, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-17
Updated: 2019-07-17
Packaged: 2020-06-29 23:13:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 18,702
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19840525
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/loonagarbage/pseuds/loonagarbage
Summary: Yerim's first crush forces her to grow up faster than she ever expected.





	1. Wither

**Author's Note:**

> ~comments are greatly appreciated~

I’d never been one to show when I was sad. Scratch that - I’d never been one to _be_ sad in the first place, actually. It just wasn’t something I’d ever had to deal with, so when I finally did? When something happened in my life that could most definitely be classified at the very least as “sad?” It was like I’d been hit by a freight train.

Let me start at the beginning.

I remember every second of this hour long encounter like it had just happened two minutes ago. That’s especially weird for me, since I have a shoddy memory, but it just shows how hard I was impacted by this. By her.

I’d failed history. Whoops! It definitely wasn’t my strongest subject. I had to repeat the class, and the teacher assigned me to some tutor from the nearby college just for good measure. That teacher didn’t like me very much, and I think he was just trying to assure himself that I wouldn’t be stuck with him for a third time next year. He didn’t have to worry about that, if I just applied myself some more and stopped goofing off, we wouldn’t have a problem. Honestly, to me the whole tutor thing seemed pretty unnecessary but it wasn’t like I had a choice.

I skipped down the hall of some big fancy college building I’d never been in before, scanning the walls for directional signs and asking a few passing kids the way to the library - where the session was supposed to be held. The campus was really pretty, and it had been an exceptionally nice day out, so I was already in higher spirits than usual - which is saying a lot for me.

I remember every single millisecond leading up to those library doors. They were sort of heavy, and I had to angle myself to half push them open with my shoulder. The sound of students diligently typing at laptops and thumbing through books was the only real thing you could hear. Everyone was being really quiet. I made a mental note to try and tone down how naturally loud I was, but that was much easier said than done.

I’d been told that the tutor would be by the “far window,” but that proved to be a vaguer description than what was necessary. Most of the tables had at least one student at them and any of them could’ve been my recently assigned tutor. My eyes scanned the crowd as I gently shut the door behind me, trying to spot someone who also seemed to be looking around--

\--and I swear, it was like my heart just stopped when I saw her.

It was a girl, wearing a really adorable, faded blue sundress, with captivating blond hair falling around her shoulders. From the distance I was at I could already tell she was probably the prettiest girl I’d ever seen in my life, her face almost not seeming real. Her cheeks were round, her skin flawlessly smooth, her makeup simple and minor but applied with absolute perfection. Her jawline looked like it’d been carved out of stone. Her eyes were big and a gorgeous shade of brown, and her lips had a cupid’s bow that I couldn’t help but stare at.

I remember my thought process, too - every detail of it: _That can’t be my tutor. No. It’s probably one of those nerdy boys with glasses, they just haven’t noticed me yet--_ Every thought I was having and every thought I ever would have seemed to come to a screeching halt when her gaze lifted from her phone she’d held in her hand and briefly looked around the room. It stopped on me. My breath subtly hitched but I couldn’t help it.

Smiling slightly - a smile that made my heart do a little dance - she mouthed something that I could just barely read from halfway across the room, “Are you Yerim?”

The question confused me. I blinked hard a few times, wondering if I’d dreamt this up or something, but I was _not_ creative enough to imagine a girl this pretty, even in a dream. Oh my God. Was she seriously my tutor?

I pointed to myself, looking over my shoulder as if some other girl named Yerim had entered behind me and I hadn’t noticed. There was no one, obviously. Raising an eyebrow I stupidly mouthed back, “Me?” She nodded, seeming amused. Great, I’d already made a total fool of myself.

Realizing that she must have been the person I was here to meet, I tried to snap myself out of the daze I was in and made my way over to the table she was sat at. I remember: it was two over from the book section on computer science, and only one table away from very large windows that let in thin rays of sunlight that cut through her hair and illuminated her skin. God it was literally like she was glowing.

“Hi!” Oh wow, her voice fit her face. And by that I mean it was somehow so _pretty_ , instantly throwing me further into my state of shock at how effortlessly perfect this girl seemed. My heart was beating way faster than I’d ever felt it beat before and I wondered why. I wondered if that was okay. Was I okay?

“Hello!” It wasn’t hard for me to match and even surpass her energy level, that was kinda my thing. Thankfully my personality and optimism were so overwhelming that it more or less shut down the dysfunction I was threatening to slip into from how impossibly breathtaking this girl was.

She extended a petite hand toward me and I shook it, hoping she couldn’t feel the way I was trembling slightly. Her skin was soft and I wasn’t even the slightest bit surprised.

“I’m Jinsol, your new tutor, but I guess you know that already.” She laughed at herself, shaking her head back and forth. There was a small pile of books next to her on the table, all with gross looking history titles. The absolute last thing I wanted to do with this girl was study for history. I wanted to talk to her, talk _about_ her, find out what she was like. How was I going to do that if all we could talk about was old dead people and things that already happened?   
  


Bringing my focus back to her and realizing that we were supposed to be having a conversation, I quickly responded, “I’m Yerim, but I guess you knew that already too.”

She nodded, still smiling sweetly at me, “Right... so do you have the books and stuff you need?”

I’d gotten so effortlessly caught up in her eyes that it actually took me a few seconds to even process the question, “What? Oh— um, yeah, just a sec.” I slid my backpack off my shoulder and quickly tugged my textbooks from it, placing them onto the table between us. God I really hated this stuff.

She turned it to face her and flipped it open, glancing over the table of contents, “Alright, this stuff doesn’t seem too hard.” She seemed to catch herself and started to retract her statement, “I mean, for me - uh, I shouldn’t say that. This can be confusing.” She was trying to be polite in case I was genuinely having a hard time with the material. It was really considerate of her. Wow. This pretty and nice too? There was a fluttering around my chest that I didn’t really recognize, but it was sort of comforting. I liked the feeling.

My lips parted to answer, but I hesitated. In reality, I didn’t really need that much help. When I’d first walked in here, I was prepared to be honest with whoever my tutor was and let them know I’d failed because of sheer laziness, not confusion. That’d make their job easier and we may even be able to cut the tutor sessions short. But now? Seeing that my tutor was Jinsol, and knowing that there wouldn’t really be another opportunity to see her and interact with her on a regular basis? I was fine with playing dumb.

“Yeah, I’m really bad with history. None of it clicks, it’s sorta frustrating...” I rested my head on my hand, pouting for good measure just to really hammer it home, “I apologize in advance, you’ve sorta got your job cut out for you.” I wasn’t someone who tended to lie. Usually it made me feel guilty, like I’d done something wrong, but for some reason I had absolutely no problem lying about this if it meant I got to spend more time with her. And that was sorta freaky.

She waved dismissively at my words, “Don’t even mention it! That’s what I’m here for. No worries, you’ll be a pro at this stuff no time.”

We spent the rest of the time actually studying history. It was kinda hard to keep up the ruse, needing to pretend like I was taking in information that I already knew, taking note on things I’d already taken in a notebook I had tucked away in my bag, even throwing in questions I knew the answers to just to make the act more convincing. She was patient and so sincerely trying to help, and she caught me staring at her more than once when I was supposed to be reading, but I played it off as just being confused. God I could seriously stare at her forever. Which also kinda freaked me out.

The session ended and she gathered up all her things, getting to her feet, “Well, I hope this helped at least a little. See you Thursday?”

I didn’t stand up to see her off because my legs sorta felt like jelly, instead just smiling brightly at her, “Yeah! Sounds great, I can already tell you’re a really good tutor!”

Her cheeks flushed slightly with color, “I— uh, thank you! That’s honestly good to hear, I wasn’t sure I’d be any good at this.” She was being modest when she had absolutely every right not to be.

I jumped to offer her more compliments because she deserved so many, “I got lucky cuz you’re really sweet too! I was nervous I’d get someone mean who thought I was annoying but you’re so nice!” I shrugged, “I mean you might still think I’m annoying, but you’d never say so!” Sometimes I talked too much for my own good.

She laughed lightly and it was the cutest sound I’d ever heard. All I ever wanted to do was make her laugh, “No, oh my gosh, you aren’t annoying! You’re fun, so I think this’ll be fun too.” She lowered her voice as if what she said next was some sort of secret, “I thought this was gonna be a really lame job and I’d get stuck with some delinquent who wouldn’t give me the time of day, but you’re like a ball of sunshine. So I think we both got lucky.” She shot me a wink and my stomach felt like it did a backflip.

I couldn’t help but giggle like a schoolgirl, praying that I wasn’t blushing, “Yeah, I guess so!” Her eyes flitted to the clock on the wall and I realized I must’ve been holding her up, “Um, so yeah, I’ll see you on Thursday.” She waved before heading out of the library. I watched her go, feeling dazed.

Something was up. I wasn’t sure what it was yet, but boy oh boy had that just... rattled me. It shook me to my core. For the rest of the day, heck, the rest of the week up until our next tutor session, I couldn’t stop thinking about her. It stuck with me. _She_ stuck with me. I replayed the sound of her voice over and over again in my head, saw her bright smile whenever I shut my eyes and did a double take whenever I saw someone blond. It was a bit much, and I knew it was, but it wasn’t something I could control. I just couldn’t.

I’d space out for most of the day which wasn’t like me. My friends noticed and wanted answers but for the most part I brushed them off, telling them it was nothing, that I just hadn’t slept well or something along those lines. Most of them bought it, but one definitely hadn’t.

It was my friend Heejin. She always saw through me, so I wasn’t too surprised when she did it again. It was during a class I only had with her. She scooted her desk to be next to me when the teacher left the room for something and entered full on interrogation mode.

“Okay Yerim, you’re being really weird today.” I could tell from her tone that she wasn’t gonna let this go.

Maybe she’d have some answers for me. Maybe she could help - Heejin usually gave good advice, and I trusted her deeply, so even if I accidentally said something I hadn’t meant, she wasn’t going to tell anyone.

“I’ve been... feeling different lately.” That was true. I wasn’t sure how else to word it.

She raised an eyebrow, scooting her chair closer so that she could lower her voice and I’d still hear, “Different how?”

I didn’t like keeping things in, that wasn’t like me either. I was usually open, telling everyone around me my every single thought with almost no filter, but lately I’d been monitoring myself so closely. I didn’t want people to know how I was feeling but I wasn’t even sure why. It didn’t seem right. I should tell her, or at least try to explain. Who knows? Maybe she understood it more than I did.

“I... there’s this um... person,” I didn’t want to say the gender and I wasn’t sure why. I just didn’t, “And I just met them. And... I dunno, I think about them a lot? And... whenever they were around I’d get this like... fluttery feeling. I dunno. I’ve never felt this stuff before and I don’t know what it means—“

“—You like them.” Heejin interrupted my rambling before it had a chance to get too incoherent.

My stomach dropped. Was that true...? Did I like Jinsol? I didn’t even know her really, I’d just seen her and we talked for a bit... but... I dunno, now that Heejin put it in my head, I... it just seemed right? Like it made sense? I had a crush on her. That wasn’t a big deal though right? People had crushes all the time. They didn’t have to mean anything, you didn’t have to tell anyone about them, they didn’t need to change things.

Right?

“Yeah...” I mumbled under my breath, “Yeah I guess I do.” Something shifted in me and I felt it but didn’t understand it.

Heejin spent the rest of the class hounding me, trying to find out who it was. She listed off a bunch of names of people in our grade, boys and girls, and I said no to all of them - silently thankful that she didn’t even know who Jinsol was so she couldn’t guess her. I probably wouldn’t be able to keep a straight face if someone confronted me directly and asked if I liked Jinsol.

Our next tutor session happened and the whole time my heart was just _soaring_. I made a few jokes, wanting nothing more than to hear her laugh again. I spent half the time just rambling about myself and asking her questions - wanting desperately to know even the smallest bit about her. She’d humor me and answer a few of my dozens of inquiries, but would eventually try and get us back on track. I played it off like I was easily distracted - not that I was so genuinely interested in learning anything about her, and she seemed to buy it. I learned that she wasn’t sure what she wanted to do for her career, that her favorite color was blue, that she was good at playing piano, and that she was really bad at anything to do with science. She was humble, modest, clever and kind. She was far from home, living in some small town four hours away. I so badly wanted to tell her that I could show her around, that I knew the city really well, that I could be her friend if she ever felt lonely, but I felt like it’d be out of place. She was my tutor - people weren’t usually friends with their tutors right? That’d be weird, right?

I think most of my fear was just paranoia about her seeing through me. Seeing through my attempts at being her friend for what they really were - an infatuation, a crush. And it was only getting more intense with every session, every time she caught my eye, every time my hand accidentally brushed hers when I reached for the page of the textbook, every time she laughed at my own antics and enthusiasm. It was like this tangible thing that I could feel in my chest every time she was around and even when she wasn’t around, and it only got bigger.

I’d never experienced anything like this before, I’d never really liked anyone, and I wasn’t sure how to deal with this. I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to do about it, or if I was even supposed to do anything. I wasn’t sure if I should keep it to myself or maybe confide in one of my friends, who I trusted with my life. Sometimes I’d try, even just to mention the crush like it didn’t matter, but the words would get caught in my throat. It was weird. I’d never hesitated to tell them something before, and I’d also never really kept any secrets. It was scary - I didn’t know if I’d be good enough at it, I was always worried it’d slip out somehow.

Although I didn’t mention the crush itself, I didn’t hesitate to talk about Jinsol. It was sort of inevitable since she was constantly on my mind. I reigned it in slightly and didn’t go into all the detail I could, just bringing her up in conversation, saying she did a good job helping me understand the material, or re-telling some story or joke she’d told me. Eventually my friends had heard enough about Jinsol to feel like they almost knew her too. One of them - my friend Jungeun, questioned me one day and asked why I never just asked Jinsol to hangout if she was so cool. I didn’t know what to say and I sort of froze up, only to lie and say that she was super busy with school. Jungeun didn’t really care and sort of brushed it off.

It must have been our fifth or sixth tutor session when things started to change. I remembered almost every second of this day too.

My energy had kicked in full force that day and I just wanted to spend the day outside, skipping around with friends or laying in the grass or having a picnic. The last thing I wanted was to sit through a boring tutor session in a stuffy library, but at least it was with Jinsol. Heck, I’d do _anything_ as long as it was with Jinsol. The light was shining through her hair again, and to prevent myself from staring for too long I forced my gaze to focus on the window over her shoulder.

“It’s so nice out, don’t you think?” I asked as she tried to get me to understand a confusing chapter of my textbook. I already knew it, and although I had a quiz the next day and had told her I was nervous (a lie), I just didn’t want to study that day. I wanted to talk with her, hangout with her. Sometimes I got so close to telling her the truth - that I thought she was one of the most effortlessly intriguing people I’d ever met and that she was absolutely gorgeous - that the words would float around the top of my chest and threaten to burst out of me. It was hard to keep them back but I knew it’d be a bad idea.

She scoffed slightly, “It’s pretty cloudy, and the wind was blowing my hair into knots.”

I waved my hand at her dismissively, trying to spread my optimism onto her, which sometimes worked, “Shush! The blossoms are coming out on the trees - look how pretty!” I pointed to the windows which were partially blocked by the tree’s blossoms. It was actually really beautiful and I knew she couldn’t deny that.

Humoring me as per usual, she turned to look, “Alright, that is pretty nice--”

“--Will you take my picture??” I blurted out excitedly, knowing that the flowers would be a pretty backdrop. Jinsol rarely ever said no to me if I really wanted something, she was kinda a pushover. If I ever wanted to move and study a different topic, or if I wanted to take a break just to talk about something else, she always let me.

She sighed lightly in defeat, “Okay but let’s be quick - we’ve got work to do.” The slightly forced strictness she half-tried to put into her tone was so endearing and adorable I almost blushed. Like she would actually enforce any sort of rules on me, she didn’t have a stern bone in her body.

I quickly stood up and tossed her my phone, rushing over to the window, already posing with a peace sign before Jinsol even got out of her chair. She shot me a look that I saw sort of as astonishment. I think sometimes the extent of how energized I was surprised her, even after we’d met up quite a few times. I couldn’t blame her, I was an awful lot to deal with.

She turned on my phone and her face scrunched up for a second. For a while she went quiet and didn’t say anything, or do any sort of countdown to show she was taking a picture. I let the weird silence linger for a few seconds, confused, until I finally tried to get attention.

“Jinsol??? C’mon, I thought we had work to do?”

She blinked hard, as if snapping herself out of something, and unlocked my phone, “Yeah, yep, uh, hold still.” She took a bunch of pictures, and I kept alternating poses, though I was sort of distracted. Why had she been all stuttery? I’d never seen Jinsol get like that before. Was it something about my phone? What was weird about my phone? I didn’t understand so I stopped thinking about it, assuming it wasn’t important.

After a minute or so of the photo op, I walked up and took my phone back from her with a smile, “Thank you!! You really are the best tutor!” We went back to our seats but she still seemed slightly off. What was going on? Should I ask? Was that out of line?

“Jinsol?” I dare to speak up quietly, but the rest of my questions got stuck in my chest again and wouldn’t come out.

Either way I seemed to bring her back to reality again, “What? Oh, uh, right-- let’s get back to it.” She smiled at me but it was forced. Was everything okay?

The rest of the session was more or less pretty normal and basic, but she focused more on the actual material and I didn’t try this time to change the topic and make it more fun. My mind was wandering, trying to figure out what was wrong, why she was being strange. Was something going on in her own life? I wanted to know. I wanted her to tell me - I wish that we’d been close enough friends for her to feel like she _could_ tell me. I wanted so many things but I was too scared to ask. I was so scared.

Eventually the session ended, and I turned my happy persona back on, though it felt much less genuine than it had when I’d first entered that library, “Oh, it’s 4! I’ve gotta go, my mom’s outside.” I started to pack up my things, humming to myself mindlessly.

“Wait, uh--” Her voice instantly caught my attention and I had to actively tone down my reaction, which was to look back at her expectantly. God I hoped I didn’t seem eager, “Um-- Yerim, do you want to maybe grab a coffee sometime?”

My heart felt like it was gonna burst out of my chest. Had I heard that wrong?

I raised an eyebrow, “Coffee? Oh I definitely shouldn’t drink coffee, I’m hyper enough as it is!” I only realized then how stupid that was. She was asking me to hangout, essentially, and I’d just turned her down. Oh no. Just as I was about to jump and retract the statement I hadn’t at all thought out, she cut me off.

“Well it doesn’t have to be coffee, uh, I uh,” She was fumbling so much. I still didn’t understand why, but it was so ridiculously _cute_ , my head was swimming, “There’s a café a street away from campus that I’ve been going to--”

My smile widened, already knowing what place she was talking about, “--Oooh, you mean the Roost?” She nodded, “My friend works there!” Jungeun, who I’d mentioned, had been working at the Roost for almost a year at that point. 

“Oh? That’s cool, maybe I’ve seen her.” She said it flippantly, like she didn’t really care.

My curiosity piqued and I wanted to know if they’d known each other. I loved coincidences, “Probably, she works a lot!” I tugged my phone from my pocket and tapped it to open up my lock screen, flipping it around to show her, “She’s the blond one right next to me.”

Something changed behind her eyes that I couldn’t quite read, “Yeah, I think I recognize her!” She paused for a few seconds, seeming to remember the initial question she’d asked me, “So, uh, would you wanna go there sometime? I think you’re really fun, and I don’t want to _just_ be your tutor, it’d be cool to be friends.”

Oh my god, I really don’t know how to describe in words how unbelievably happy that made me. I was a pretty happy person, heck, maybe even the happiest person I knew, but at that moment it was like I could never feel so elated ever again. I smiled even wider, almost hurting my own cheeks, not even bothering to hide just how excited and giddy I was because it would’ve been no use.

“Of course!! I mean, I already hoped that we _were_ friends, but if you wanna be even _better_ friends then absolutely!” By that point she was standing up, and I was suddenly overcome by so many emotions that I found myself drawn straight to her, throwing my arms around her tightly. She smelt like flowery perfume and her hair was soft. Jeez, I could hear my heartbeat in my ears.

She laughed a bit, caught off guard by the sudden affection, but she hugged me back. The gesture was so simple, so small - I’d hugged so many people before in my life, I never would’ve anticipated how many feelings I’d get from just this hug, but god, I almost started shaking. Hopefully she didn’t feel it.

“Ok, well that sounds good! I’ll text you.”

“You better!” I pulled away as my trembling got more intense, not wanting her to be able to tell how flustered I was. I slid my backpack onto my shoulders, knowing I really did have to leave but desperately not wanting to, “I’ll let you know how I do on that quiz! Bye Jinsol!” I skipped out of the library, riding on cloud nine, smiling all the way home.

We went to the Roost and I introduced her to Jungeun finally, so she could shut up about not ever getting to meet my tutor. They seemed to get along fine, but Jungeun couldn’t talk long since she was working. The dream was to actually integrate Jinsol into my friend group, but that was pretty ambitious. My friends and I were a pretty solid bunch and I’m sure it might’ve been intimidating to anyone trying to join in, but that didn’t mean I wasn’t gonna try.

After that, we started to hangout more. Sometimes after tutor sessions we’d go for walks around campus where she’d show me things and talk about how hard some of her classes were. She’d ask about my friends and about how high school was doing, and I’d ramble on for a long time because she made me nervous pretty effortlessly. Sometimes she’d give me this... look that would just make those butterflies in my chest go absolutely crazy, and I don’t know how to describe it because I’m not the best with words, but it always made my knees weak.

This crush was getting worse and worse the more I learned about her. It was starting to scare me because it really felt like it wasn’t going away.

Eventually we saw each other almost every day, and I was so incredibly happy. Now I felt like I could really call her my friend - she was _so_ much more than just my tutor. Sometimes I’d call her on the phone during breaks between classes, or at lunch, and she always answered and let me talk to her until the bell told me I was late. She’d text me to ask all about my day, and knowing that she was actually interested, that she genuinely wanted to know, made me feel so incredibly special and important.

For a few months we actually spent a lot of weekends together too. Usually right after her classes were done she’d tell me to come over to her dorm and we’d hangout in her room, or we’d go on little day trips. One time I stayed over later than I’d expected and she’d told me to spend the night, so we had to share a bed. After struggling for hours to even fall asleep because adrenaline was pumping through me like blood, I woke up before her and her arms were wrapped around my middle, her head nuzzled into my neck. I couldn’t help but blush, and I found myself struggling to even breathe, let alone go back to sleep, even though I stirred awake at 3 AM.

There was nothing there, and I knew there was nothing there. Right? She didn’t like me like that, she probably didn’t even like girls. We were friends. She treated me more like a little sister than anything.

But I was still hoping. Which made me hate myself for being so stupid, for being naïve, for reading into everything. Every touch meant something, every hesitant response meant something, every cryptic text meant something, every lingering hug meant something. I mean how could it not? How would it be fair for me to have feelings so indescribably strong and real and multifaceted only for them to be not be mutual? That would just be too cruel, right?

I was naive. People would tell me that sometimes and I never agreed, thinking I was smarter than they’d say. I wasn’t, though. At least not with this.

It was my idea to go to an aquarium one day, when she had some free time from her classes. I’d asked her about it during a tutor session, giddy with excitement, begging her to come with me. She made sure to double check her schedule but we picked a date and made the plan. 

When we got a chance to free roam the area instead of following in the shadow of a tour guide, I led her eagerly to an ocean fish exhibit. We stood side by side and I really wanted to hold her hand but I swallowed down the urge. I hadn’t expected her to be nearly as infatuated with the place as I was, but she was absolutely enthralled by it. She’d mentioned before that she really liked fish and had a minor obsession with the ocean, but I’d never actually seen the fascination show through in person. It was so pure and entrancing to see firsthand.

She said the view was beautiful, referring to the stillness of the animals and the clear blue water and the multicolored masses of coral. I said she was beautiful, referring to the spark behind her eyes and the unruliness of her hair and the entrancing tone to her voice when she saw something she thought was remarkable. My compliment was idly brushed off with a flippant wave of her hand, dismissing the depth my words had and the sentiment lying unaddressed and festering inside them.

I couldn’t tell if she genuinely didn’t notice my feelings or if she chose not to acknowledge them because it might damage our friendship. It wasn’t that I was necessarily being subtle, I didn’t think I was, but I wasn’t telling her either. Maybe she had no idea. Maybe she just thought I was this affectionate and clingy with all my friends, which was sort of true, but there was something different with Jinsol. There was always something different with her. Either way, I just felt as if I was at fault somehow. And that sensation of blame was starting to eat away at me. I hated it, but what could I do?

Tell her?

I wrote letters. So many freaking letters. Most were incomprehensible babble that I jotted down late at night trying to suppress all of my frustratingly intense emotions. They almost always wound up crumpled in a heap or shoved aggressively into my desk drawer whenever I considered how unlikely it was that she felt the same way, how pitiful this whole thing was if I actually thought about it for too long.

One letter actually wound up being pretty well worded and coherent. It sorta startled me once I’d finished. I read it over again and again, still remembering a bit of it; “you don’t understand how I feel about you, you’ll never understand and you’ll never feel the same way, but please prove me wrong and please tell me that you like me that way too.” I didn’t care how desperate it sounded. The more I read it over, the more certain I felt about finally giving it to her. Finally revealing all this.

It felt like it weighed five thousand pounds as I carried it in my coat pocket for the day, waiting to place it into her outstretched hand and hold my breath as she read the written definition of my innermost, secret feelings. At the end of our next tutor session I just stared at her, bright smile making her face glow, and tugged it out carefully, feeling weirdly prepared for this moment.

But then she smiled, told me she “wished I was her little sister sometimes,” and got up to leave before ruffling the top of my head with her hand to mess up my hair.

I ripped the letter up into little tiny pieces and threw them in the trash.

She went away for break and she wasn’t there to tutor me anymore. She told me I could call, that I could text whenever, but it felt different. _I_ felt different.

I didn’t feel like myself. My chest had this weird hollowness to it, like if you knocked on it you’d hear an echo. I had to force my enthusiasm so my friends wouldn’t notice anything was wrong. I swallowed so much down because I couldn’t say it, couldn’t share it. The feelings had only gotten more intense and even harder to hide during the separation for some incredibly frustrating reason. I needed to tell someone, _anyone_. It was like it was draining me of my happiness, my positivity that I used to have a surplus of. Now it was scarce. I smiled way less. I rarely laughed. I spent more time by myself instead of constantly being with my friends because I didn’t want them to see, didn’t want them to worry.

One night I remember it was the worst. I don’t know why, but I just felt something building up in my chest that I knew was tears. I hadn’t cried in years, I was so unfamiliar with the sensation of this, but I knew it was coming. My eyes burned and my chest got so tight it almost hurt. I was alone, but I didn’t want to be. I wished someone was with me.

I called Jungeun, my hand shaking so bad I could barely hold onto my phone. My vision was blurring with oncoming tears and I tried so hard to keep it all in, but I’d done that for too long. It was coming out, one way or another.

“Hello...?” Jungeun answered, sounding sleepy. It was almost 1 AM. I hadn’t even noticed, having been too caught up in my own head to care about the time.

“I-I’m sorry, did I wake you up?” My voice trembled and broke, I could barely make it loud enough for her to hear. I gently covered my mouth with my hand right as my lip started to quiver. This was bad. Whatever was coming was going to hit me _hard_ and I could feel it, but I was still keeping it down by nothing short of a miracle. It was scaring me.

In an instant she took on the role of concerned friend when she heard how off I sounded, “What? Yeah, but, whatever - what’s wrong?”

I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know what to tell her. I considered confessing, just spilling out everything, every secret, every detail, but it all got stuck in my throat again. I couldn’t say it. None of it. I tried so hard. My lips parted and I tried to say something, anything, but only weird little noises came out - broken up parts of words.

“I-It’s... I-I...” The tears were getting worse. I was angry at myself for being such a mess, for being so unable to even talk about this without collapsing into hysterics. What was wrong with me? Why couldn’t I just tell her? I trusted Jungeun, I knew she wouldn’t turn me away, I knew she’d want nothing more than to help me, “Jungeun, I-I... _god_... I...” My chest hurt so badly. It was as if my heart was just... shriveling up.

She was at such a loss, her tone shifting as she tried desperately to comfort me, “Hey hey, whoa Yerim, what’s going on? Please talk to me.” I’d never heard her like that. It was endearing that she cared so much. Reassuring. Just what I needed, but for some reason it barely even affected me.

The tears started to fall and they wouldn’t stop. I tried to muffle them, no real sobs hitting me yet, but my breaths were only coming in sharp, uneven inhales that made my chest feel like it was caving in, “I can’t. I-I just can’t, I...”

I was just the friend. The happy, loud, optimistic friend who was more of a spectacle than anything else. I was fun to be with but I wasn’t fun to _be_ with. Jinsol didn’t think of me like that, there was no way. Why would she? I was some random high schooler who pretended not to understand history just so she would tutor me. That was pathetic. This was pathetic. I knew that, but I couldn’t let it go. _I_ was pathetic.

The first sob hit me and it felt like someone punched me in the gut. I doubled over, my legs feeling unstable. Sitting on my bed so I wouldn’t flat out collapse, I held the phone away from me so she couldn’t hear as more just hit me, over and over, harder and harder, tears streaming down my cheeks and never seeming to stop. It was causing me like, actual pain. They hurt. I didn’t know crying could hurt, but I’d also never cried this hard. I hugged myself with one arm, trying to rock myself back and forth and calm down, but nothing was working. I’d never hurt so bad.

I could vaguely hear Jungeun’s voice still coming through my phone that I held loosely in my violently trembling hand, “Yerim? Yerim are you there? Are you okay?”

I couldn’t answer. Couldn’t talk. The only thing I could manage was to bring the phone slightly closer, just so she could hear me ever so slightly. My sobs were so intense they were the silent kind. She could probably infer what was happening.

“Yerim I want to help, but I can’t if I don’t know what’s wrong.” She sounded distraught. I wished more than anything that I could just talk to her like a normal person, but there was no way. Not when I was like this.

I pulled the phone closer and managed out a few coherent words, which just formed a slight, quiet plea, “Please stay on the phone with me,” A sob hit me and she must’ve heard, going dead silent, “I don’t want to be alone,” I laid on my side, curling up into a sort of ball, my body being jarred by sobs that made me jolt and tremble.

She didn’t hesitate, “Of course. I’m here.”

She didn’t pry any further, just stayed there with me as I cried for hours and hours. She didn’t say much, only ever daring to mutter more reassurances that I could barely hear over my own tears. She listened and she was patient, even though it was almost 3 AM by the time I said we should hang up, and I knew she had work the next day. I went to sleep still shivering and sniffling, hugging myself as if that would help somehow. Nothing felt right. I felt empty, like there had never been anything in me and there never would be again.

Jinsol texted me the next day. My phone buzzed with her unique text tone and my heart skipped a beat like it always did. I was so stupid.

💙😍 _Jinsol!!_ 💙😍: _hey yerim! was thinking about you today, been missing you <3 how have things been going in history, and yaknow, life in general? maybe we could talk later and catch up_

I couldn’t even look at it, at the heart, at the sincerity, at how sweet she was, because my hope was coming back. My stupid, everpresent optimistic hope. I used to like my enthusiasm and positivity. I thought that it made me unique and fun. Now? I hated it. I hated myself for it, because it led me so far down this path which I knew would only result in even more pain.

I never did call her. I made up an excuse I don’t remember and she bought it. I spouted off some basic, bland life updates with my usual amount of excessive exclamation points and emojis just so she wouldn’t suspect anything. She didn’t need to know.

There was one person I told. Only one.

I don’t know why, honestly. I think it was because it had just worn me down emotionally to the point that there was nothing left. No defense mechanisms, no ability to hide, I was just so vulnerable and susceptible to anything, even the slightest bit of prying or curiosity.

When Heejin scooted her chair over to me during class the next day and playfully asked how my crush was doing, I started to cry. It was subtle - not nearly as intense as that night. Just a few tears that trailed their way down my cheeks. Heejin panicked, of course, and tugged me to the bathroom where we could actually talk.

“What happened??” She double checked the hallway to make sure it was clear and that no other girls were going to come in to interrupt, “Was he mean to you? Was _anyone_ mean to you? I swear to god Hyunjin and I will literally kill them--”

“--No.” I explained, my voice sounding so weirdly void of all emotion it was sorta scary. It caught her off guard too, her face falling - the slight glare that she’d worn vanishing in an instant. I smiled bitterly, shaking my head back and forth, “I’m just an idiot. It’s not her fault.”

I saw something change behind Heejin’s eyes when I finally said the gender, when I revealed that. Heejin was gay and had a girlfriend, so it wasn’t like that was any sort of game changer. If anything I’m sure she was just upset I hadn’t told her sooner. She reached forward, gently clasping both of my hands right as they started to tremble. I couldn’t even remember the last time I’d felt steady or sturdy. I felt so unstable all the time.

She pursed her lips, definitely feeling like she needed to be careful, “...Is she straight?”

I shrugged, trying to act indifferent when in truth I couldn’t possibly be more invested in this whole thing, “Dunno. She doesn’t like me, so maybe.” I couldn’t pretend like I was unaffected anymore. As soon as I’d said that out loud, as soon as I’d admitted what I’d only ever thought in my head, it was like... god, I almost fell over. A sob hit me again. My makeup started to run.

Heejin gasped in surprise and surged forward, adorably trying to brush my tears away, “Oh, no! Yerim, oh my god don’t cry, shh!” She held me loosely in her arms and I practically collapsed into them, hoping that nobody came in to see this, “Who is she...? Do I know her?” I was reluctant to answer. To finally confess. But it was a less intense reluctance than before. I’d sort of gotten into the mindset of it not mattering because Jinsol wouldn’t care regardless, “I might know if she’s gay or not. I’m good at telling that sort of thing.” It was true, she had amazing gaydar - I’d seen it firsthand.

Who knows, maybe she’d gotten vibes from Jinsol? She’d met her before, I’d invited her to my birthday party.

Screw it.

“Jinsol.” I finally said it and this weight that wasn’t physical but felt so potent just lifted immediately from my shoulders. It was such a relief, but it was conflicting. Now someone finally knew. She knew about my unrequited crush, my deepest and only secret.

She nodded in what seemed like understanding, “Makes sense, she’s gorgeous.” I really didn’t need that reminder. Her grip on me tightened for a second, “Honestly Yerim?” She pulled away so our eyes met, mine probably being red and raw from my crying, “She could definitely be gay. At the very least bi.”

My heart skipped a beat, “Really?”

“Yeah. I got some serious signals,” She reached up and straightened my collar, trying to swipe her thumbs beneath my eyes to help fix my makeup, “In my opinion, you should tell her. You never know until you take a chance.”

I scoffed, looking at her like she was joking, but her face was dead serious, “Tell her? Are you kidding?” She shook her head and I only got more confused, “Look, even if I can’t be with her... like that, I still want to be her friend.”

“What, you think she’ll end the friendship too if you tell? Is she really the type?” She held up her hands slightly in defense as if she’d overstepped her bounds. I wasn’t sure if she had, “I mean, you know her better than I do.”

Jinsol wasn’t the type. She was the nicest person I’d ever met. She was so sincere and caring and empathetic. She wanted nothing but the best for the people around her, including me. Even if it was platonic, she definitely cared about me and valued me. I knew that. For a few fleeting seconds I tried to picture Jinsol rejecting me, being mean to me in any way, telling me that we couldn’t be friends anymore, and it just wasn’t realistic. That would never happen. Heejin was right.

“No. She won’t.” I explained, my voice still all distant and detached, like it wasn’t even mine.

Heejin smiled, a smile I normally would’ve returned, but it was so hard for me to do that lately, “Then you should tell her! Then you never have to wonder, and the worst that’ll happen is she may be a bit awkward for a short while. Nothing unbearable.”

_“Nothing unbearable.”_

I played those words over and over again in my head as I walked toward Jinsol’s dorm, my stomach in knots. She’d only just gotten back from her break that day. In fact, if I timed it right, she was probably still unpacking her stuff from her train ride.

I remembered this day too, but for different reasons.

It was bright. I felt a slight shred of optimism for the first time in what felt like forever, and it was so comforting and familiar. It cut through the darkness I’d been living in for weeks and actually made me smile, a skip returning to my step and a lightness returning to my chest I’d almost forgotten felt so refreshing. Maybe this would go well. Maybe this would be okay.

I picked some flowers I spotted along the way. I didn’t know what kind they were, but they were purple - my favorite color, so I didn’t hesitate to pluck some and tie them together with a hair band I had on my wrist. I’d give them to Jinsol. She’d like them, she was a softie for stuff like that.

My heart was beating fast as I headed up the three flights of stairs to her floor, and my fists clenched tightly with each step I took closer to her door. It was closed, and I briefly pressed my ear against it to see if anyone was even home. Maybe I’d timed it wrong? Was she still at the train station? Had she not come home yet?

I reached to the doorknob and turned it slightly, daring to gently push the door open as I spoke up, peeking my head inside, “Hellooo--”

Then everything just... fell apart.

“-- _oh_.”

Jinsol was sitting on her bed with a painfully familiar blond on her lap, and they were kissing. They were kissing and it was passionate and just from the brief second I caught, I could see how intense it was and how much meaning was there, how lost they were in one another. My heart snapped. It crumbled and broke and shattered into shards. It hurt. God it hurt.

That was Jungeun.

I backed up into the hallway until I hit the wall, trying to keep all this in, but it felt like the floor was crumbling away and like I was falling into the nothingness. My grip on the flowers loosened and I almost dropped them. My face turned beet red. My hands shook. I covered my eyes with my hand like a dope, as if that would somehow let me unsee all of that, like that would mean it hadn’t happened.

“Um, hey Yerim!” Jinsol stuttered from inside, her voice trembling. She was out of breath. It felt like I was dying.

“Uh-- hi?” I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know what to do. So much was happening, I was so overwhelmed. I chuckled slightly, trying to act normal, not wanting anything to show through.

How could I compete with Jungeun? Of course I couldn’t. Of course these two were together. Now that I looked back on it, there had been so many signs. All the looks they shot one another, the way Jungeun talked to her, how Jungeun would ask about her, how Jinsol talked to her for so long at my party the two barely even hung out with the rest of us. It was right in front of my face but I was too dumb to see it. God I was such an _idiot._

I heard the door push open further and someone step in the doorway, but I couldn’t look. I couldn’t.

“Hi!” It was Jinsol. God I’d missed her voice. I’d _missed_ her so _much_ , but I bet I hadn’t even crossed her mind while she was away. Why would I? “It’s uh, it’s good to see you!” She sounded sort of awkward too. She definitely hadn’t expected to get walked in on like that. I should’ve knocked. No, even better, I never should have even gone there in the first place.

I thrust my hand forward that still clumsily held the flowers. I just needed to go. I needed to give her these and get away before I totally broke down, although I already felt so horribly _broken_. I didn’t move my eyes from my hands, that seeming to be the only thing keeping me together, “Sorry, I-I just wanted to surprise you and bring you some flowers I found outside your dorm, I-I thought they were pretty and I really like purple, and I-I wanted to say hi, so, hi!”

That was a lie. I’d come there to confess to her, to confess everything. Confess how head over heels I was, how ridiculously in love I was with her. Now there was no point. It was a dumb idea anyway. As always.

She took them from my hand and her fingers brushed against mine. My next breath got caught in my throat. I took two steps back. I couldn’t be near her. God did it hurt so bad.

“You can look now, Yerim.” Jinsol told me softly, as if she didn’t want to scare me.

I was being weird. This was weird. I finally dared to lower my hand from my eyes. Jungeun was hovering behind Jinsol, seeming disheveled and slightly out of breath. I felt so empty. So unbearably empty.

“Hey Yerim.” Jungeun greeted me casually with a sigh, blushing slightly too. These two just seemed embarrassed that I’d caught them kissing. They had no idea. Not even the slightest clue how rattled I was, how intensely affected, how _upset_. And I didn’t want them to know.

I didn’t know what to say. I couldn’t talk. Absolutely every ounce of my effort was going into not just collapsing into tears on the floor. I didn’t want them to see that. They didn’t need to. I could tell how happy they were just from looking at them, how elated, how meant for each other they seemed to be. They were content. Why should I ruin that? That wasn’t my place.

There had never been a place for me.

Jinsol’s roommate started to walk down the hall toward us and talk to Jinsol casually. It was my chance to slip away, a chance I instantly took.

“Oops, I forgot-- um-- I’ve actually gotta go! I’ll talk to you later, Jinsol,” My voice broke really noticeably when I said her name but I couldn’t help it. I clenched my fists so tight that my nails almost broke the skin of my palms. I was losing it faster than I thought, and I quickly started to walk off down the hall, adding on softly, “You too, Jungeun.”

I rushed out of the building and sat on the nearest bench, expecting tears, expecting another total meltdown, but nothing came. I just sat there, alone, wind blowing through my hair and giving me chills. My face buried itself into my hands.

I can’t remember how long I sat there. It must have been hours. By the time I stood up, the sun had set and the stars were out. I hadn’t even noticed. 

After that, I distanced myself. On her end, I’m sure it was more of a relief than anything else. For me, though? Trying to dismiss those feelings, which were some of the strongest emotions I’d ever felt in my entire life? It was as if a part of my heart had withered away like a flower’s petal, and simply broken off before drifting into some empty void.

I never got that piece of my heart back. And she never knew.


	2. Bloom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Years later, Yerim has still yet to fully reconcile her emotional baggage. Can her best friend help her come to terms, and finally move past what she'd suffered through?

“Yerim! It’s your turn, c’mon!” Chae piped up, nudging my side. I’d spaced out a bit.

We were playing never have I ever at Haseul’s house and I guess I’d let my mind wander. I knew the real reason for that but liked to pretend I didn’t. It shouldn’t bother me anymore. It had been two years.

Jinsol giggled as Jungeun nuzzled against her neck, poking at her side and tickling her. I pursed my lips, mad at myself for looking when I’d just made an informal rule in my head to avoid doing so.

“Yerim?” Chae asked again, her voice changing slightly.

I blinked hard, snapping out of it, “Huh? Oh,” Other people in the circle turned to look at me. They noticed I was acting weird. Heejin was across from me in the circle and something showed behind her eyes for a second. I wondered if she remembered my teary confession to her in that bathroom so long ago.

It wasn’t nearly as bad anymore. I’d moved on, really I had. It didn’t hurt to look at Jinsol anymore, we could spend time together and I wouldn’t get butterflies, I didn’t turn green with envy whenever Jungeun spent literal hours fawning over her girlfriend, and I could even manage to third-wheel sometimes if the two really wanted me to come.

I loved them both, so there was no way I was going to cut either of them out of my life. Jungeun had been one of my best friends since middle school, and even though it was really hard for me to hangout with her for a while, I was still drawn to Jinsol. I forced it to be platonic. Swallowed so much down, pushed so much away, and although it took time and effort, it worked. Eventually I went back to my old self, my happy, bubbly self, but there was always something a bit different that I never let anyone see. Something that only came out on the bad days, something that still made my chest feel hollow and my heart ache.

It seemed like it was turning into one of those days. Just... the way Jinsol’s hand subtly traced patterns along Jungeun’s thigh and the smile on her face, how _happy_ she looked, and how I’d literally never seen Jungeun so carefree before in her life... they were meant for each other, you could just tell. And I _knew_ that, I _accepted_ that, so why was there that painfully familiar tightness in my chest?

I took a slightly measured breath, coming up with some throwaway thing for the game so everyone’s prying eyes would move from me, “Never have I ever, uh, dyed my hair.”

There were a few scattered groans as Jinsol, Jungeun, Chae and Kahei all lowered a finger.

“Oh c’mon Yerim, you really haven’t dyed your hair??” Jungeun tried to insist, seeming unconvinced. She was just mad she had to put down a finger.

I shrugged, needing to look at her to respond but feeling my stomach sink at the way Jinsol idly played with her hair, “What..? Um-- no, I haven’t. I’m scared I’ll mess it up or something.” I quickly averted my eyes and stared at the carpet. For some reason I couldn’t bring myself to look at anybody anymore.

Chae wrapped her arm around my shoulders and pulled me close, something I normally would have responded to, or smiled at, but I couldn’t, “Ahh, I can help you Yerim! Trust me I’ve gotten really good at it.”

I forced out a slight laugh but it sounded off. Not like me. Her grip tightened for a second and I spoke up before anyone could get worried, putting on my normal optimistic inflection as best as I could, “No thanks, I like my hair just the way it is!” Pretending to be normal apparently worked pretty well, because everyone looked away and focused on Yeojin. It was her turn. My shoulders relaxed slightly once the attention shifted from me and Chae felt that too. Her grip loosened and trailed down, instead lightly resting her hand atop mine. I don’t know if she could tell something was wrong or if she just wanted to be cute, but either way the contact was silently appreciated.

Yeojin was pretty invested in the game, mainly because she was winning - she had the most fingers still up out of anyone. Yeojin was my best friend though, and had been for as long as I could remember, so she instantly noticed that I was acting strange. Normally she would have leapt at the chance for her turn, already having her statement picked out, but this time she hesitated for a few seconds. I felt her eyes on me but I didn’t look back at her.

After a moment or two of near silence, she went, and her turn caused quite a bit of a commotion, “Never have I ever had a crush on a _girl_.” She said that with her usual exaggerated childish inflection.

Oh.

Most of the girls in my friend group were lesbians, the only ones I could think who might not be were Haseul, Yeojin and maybe Kahei. I did a quick scan of the room only to see both Haseul and Kahei put fingers down, though. Okay. Interesting. Pursing my lips slightly, I put a finger down too, doing my best to seem discrete.

  
It was no use, I got noticed immediately.

Jungeun gasped loudly and I couldn’t help but flinch, “Whoa whoa, wait a minute, some people just put down fingers who I did _not_ know would put down fingers.” She made a sweeping gesture with her arms, leaning forward slightly off the couch, indicating that the game was officially paused.

Hyejoo shared Jungeun’s sentiment, seeming particularly animated that day, “Yeah, Yerim, what the hell?? Who??”

I felt my face turning red and I couldn’t help it. All eyes were on me again, everyone expecting something, wanting an answer. What was I supposed to say? I couldn’t say it. That would be weird. It was in the past, the far far past, it was so far from being relevant to anyone besides me. I shouldn’t bring it up. I shouldn’t start reminiscing about a time that was so painful for me when it was already starting to linger in the back of my head anyway. I shouldn’t. No, I couldn’t. 

I smiled nervously, tucking some of my hair behind my ear, “It... was a while ago. It’s whatever, it doesn’t matter anymore--”

In the next second I was cut off aggressively by Hyunjin, “-- _No._ ” I jumped slightly from her forcefulness. Chae still had her hand atop mine and it moved, fingers curling slightly to have a stronger grip. My gaze flitted to her for a second, “You better tell us who it was right now or I’m gonna come over there and slap you.” She made motions as if she was actually going to stand up, but Heejin held her in place by grasping her arm.

I looked toward Heejin, pleading wordlessly, and she seemed apologetic but didn’t really know what to do. How could she discreetly get the topic to shift from me without making it seem like it hurt me more than I was letting on? Neither of us knew. All she could really do was restrain Hyunjin and try her best to show her through nothing verbal that she should leave this alone. She couldn’t control the rest of the girls. 

I shook my head back and forth, actually feeling like I might have to run away. Chae’s grasp on me was honestly one of the only things preventing me from getting to my feet and bolting out of the room, even though the rational part of me knew that would raise more concerns than just staying put and deflecting.

This was such a hard balance - I knew I had to insist that I kept it to myself, but if I let it show just how badly it hurt me, how intensely I was affected and how sensitive this still was for me, they would just pry even harder. I was so terrified, and my voice trembled slightly despite my best efforts at sounding firm, “No, you can’t make me. Really guys I don’t feel like talking about it.”

The seriousness of my tone made the air get thick with tension for a second. That wasn’t like me - I was never serious. I knew these girls almost better than I knew myself, and I knew that their curiosity was totally piqued and that they wanted nothing more than to enter full on interrogation mode, but wouldn’t. I couldn’t have been any more clear. I felt so many eyes on me, I felt so many questions being asked without any words being said, but I just stared at the carpet and wouldn’t look at anybody.

Jinsol leaned slightly forward out of her seat, Jungeun's arms around her waist still holding her to the couch, “Haseul!!! You aren't off the hook either!” She pointed a slender figure at Yeojin's older sister, sounding even more accusatory and demanding than Hyunjin had with me.

I let myself relax, realizing that they'd moved on. I really did love all of them. They pushed aside how much they'd wanted to know because they didn't want to make me upset. Even Hyunjin had totally calmed down, her threats instantly forgotten once she saw how adamant I was about not discussing it.

I tugged myself away from Chae’s grasp and rested it in my lap, lazily keeping my other hand with the fingers I had left up but really not wanting to play this game anymore. Chae didn't try to reach for me again and didn't even bother asking why I'd moved away. I think she could make the connection, and knew that she shouldn't press it anymore.

Jinsol rested her head on Jungeun’s shoulder and a tangible wave of just... _pain_ washed over me. I bit my tongue, shutting my eyes for a few seconds. Why did it still hurt? I barely had feelings for Jinsol anymore and I mean that honestly. Time had closed up the wound more or less, but that didn’t mean it had healed all the way. At the very least, it shouldn’t be poked and prodded at, but that’s what it felt like was happening.

Eventually I was out of the game, all my fingers down. It was a relief. I wasn’t gonna be forced to say anything anymore. My mouth stayed shut for what must’ve been the next half hour and I just sat there as a bystander. At some point I tugged my legs against my chest, wanting nothing more than to just go home and curl up in my bed where nobody could see me.

I felt unstable. I felt weak and fragile and like if anyone else touched me I'd just break apart into little pieces, and I didn't understand why. It was over. It was done. I'd gotten over it. For the most part I could look at Jinsol and my heart wouldn't wrench from what I knew I couldn't have. For the most part I could genuinely let myself be happy for Jungeun. For the most part whenever they were together I was fine. Things were fine.

So why was it that this was coming back down on me so hard? Because it was brought up so directly? Besides confessing to Heejin in that bathroom, I had never spoken a single word about the crush to anyone. Not a soul. Heejin hadn't dared to mention it ever again either. She must've assumed that it had gone pretty badly just because of how much of a hollow shell I was for the next few months after I'd stumbled upon Jungeun and Jinsol together that day.

When Jungeun told the group about her new girlfriend, Heejin had gasped a bit louder than the others and stared at me across the cafeteria table. I'd just excused myself politely and went into an empty classroom, slinking to the floor and willing myself not to cry.

That was when it was at its worst: when I was forced to think about it, forced to talk about it, forced to relive just how badly I'd coped and how awfully it had hurt me. I took refuge in my other friends - Yeojin especially - spending as much time with them as I could, and gradually started to expose myself to Jungeun and Jinsol again. It took me an embarrassingly long time until I could see Jinsol and not almost start to cry, and it took an even longer time before I could think of Jungeun in the same way. If I'm being totally honest, for a really short time I had this weird sort of idea in my head that she'd betrayed me somehow, as if she'd known about my crush on Jinsol but went for her anyway – which I knew wasn't true and that I was being totally irrational. But my brain in those days just wasn't susceptible to any sort of reason. It was like I didn't even know the person that was inside my head, because the way that my mind worked back then wasn't like me and I don't know how to explain it besides that. It was sad and it did anything to fuel being sad.

“ _Yes!!!_ ” A piercing shriek snapped me out of my mental tangent. Yeojin somehow wound up winning the game and was ecstatic, elated as per usual. I loved seeing her happy, and normally it made me just as hyped up, but I didn’t even flinch, still too lost in my own thoughts.

“Yerim-ah!!” She reached toward me, wrapping her arm around my waist and tugging me closer. Her touch was so familiar and comforting, something that reminded me of happier times where things were less complicated, where I could just be myself and forget about anything that had ever or would ever make me feel anything less than content, “I won!! This makes you an honorary winner too!” She was bouncing up and down she was so excited. It made me smile. Wow, it actually made me smile.

I nodded, some of the girls started to clear out of the room and spread out around the house. Jungeun and Jinsol stayed put, though. I didn’t even have to look to know that, I just felt it - really familiar with the density the air got for me whenever the two of them were in the room at the same time.

“Do you get a prize?” I asked her, surprised at how normal I sounded when in all honesty I felt emptier than I had in months.

Yeojin frowned for a second, “Hmm, I dunno! Maybe Haseul can make me cookies!” She seemed so instantly energized even from the concept of potential cookies. The sentiment was mutual even when I was feeling so off, and my smile widened.

She got to her feet, having previously been sitting on the floor with me, instead rushing all over the first floor of the house in a flurry, yelling for Haseul, who she couldn’t seem to find anywhere.

“Yeojin, oh my _god_ , can you stop shrieking for literally three seconds??” Sooyoung asked in annoyance, consistently seeming to lack any sort of patience for Yeojin. She stood from her chair, grabbing Yeojin’s arm as she passed to hold her in place for a second, “I think she’s upstairs anyway, jeez, I’ll get her. Just _shhhh_.” With that she hiked up the stairs, rolling her eyes the whole way.

Yeojin plopped back down at my side with an “oomph,” resting her head on her hand and staring at me with her big doe-eyes. I stuck my tongue out at her and she mimicked me, scrunching up her nose, “Because we’re a package deal, you get the cookies too. We _both_ won.” She told me softly, the sentiment behind her words unexpectedly making my chest feel less constricted.

“Thanks.” I muttered under my breath, startling both myself and her at just how genuine I sounded. Sooyoung retrieved Haseul and Kahei from upstairs and Haseul headed into the kitchen to presumably make the requested cookies.

Yeojin hid her face in her hands for a second, something I knew she usually did when she was up to something. My brow furrowed at her, “What?”

She chuckled mischievously, “I cheated.”

My eyes widened in only slight surprise. Yeojin never had tended to be the most fair player when we got into games like this, and she was also a sore loser. It was one of the things I grudgingly learned to love about her, “Cheated?? You mean you lied?”

She smirked smugly at me, getting way too much of a kick out of this, “Yep!” She made a popping sound on the “p” to needlessly emphasize it.

I scoffed at her, feigning shock and disappointment, “ _Wow_ , Yeojin, I don’t even _want_ your cookies, they’re tainted now.”

She laughed her laugh that was always a little bit too loud, “Too bad! I’ll shove those cookies down your throat if I have to!!”

I just rolled my eyes at her, not quite feeling energized enough to match her level of hype like I normally would have, instead trying to restrain the conversation a bit by leveling out my tone and lowering my own volume, “What did you lie about?”

“Huh?” It seemed to catch her off guard. Had she not heard it?

“What did you keep a finger up for?” I clarified.

I thought it was something flippant. Maybe even a few throwaway answers that she just claimed she’d never done, and based on how willingly she’d revealed her cheating I hadn’t expected even an ounce of hesitation in response to my question. So when she paused, when she took a second to respond and wouldn’t match my gaze anymore, I knew something was up. I could read her like a book. What I didn’t understand was why she’d be so cautious.

“Uhhhmm,” She giggled again, fiddling with one of her braids. I raised an eyebrow at her, wordlessly prying further, “I-I actually _have_ dyed my hair

I narrowed my eyes at her and her cheeks lit with a slight blush, “What?” I let another smile creep across my face, still not getting what her motive was for lying like this, “No you haven’t?”

“Yes I have.” She responded instantly, too quickly, her defensiveness showing through as clear as day.

If she wanted to play this game, I’d play this game, “When?”

She faltered for a moment, not having anticipated me asking anything more. I knew she was pulling all of this out of nowhere, so I gave her a few extra seconds to come up with her lies, “A while ago.”

I tilted my head at her, “What color?”

“Brown.”

I was thoroughly unconvinced and she could tell, only seeming to double down on her insistence, “Your hair _is_ brown.”

“Darker brown.”

“How much darker?” I leaned closer.

“A shade.” Her blush got more intense.

“A shade?” A leaned even closer, raising my eyebrow up higher.

“Yes! A shade!” She reached forward and shoved me back into my previous position by my shoulder, suppressing a grin. I just laughed at her antics, at our antics, the density the air had seeming to thin and the tightness in my chest long since having faded, “Gosh, Yerim, why are you coming at me so hard?”

I pouted slightly and she pouted right back, “Why are you lying?”

“I’m not!!” She insisted even still, shoving me again for good measure.

I waved dismissively at her, realizing it wasn’t worth it and that she wasn’t going to budge, although I was dreadfully curious. She wasn’t one to hide things from me, or anyone really. Maybe it was embarrassing or something. I let it go, since everyone had just done the same for me earlier. It was the least I could do, when she so consistently did so much for me.

My gaze flitted to Jinsol and Jungeun. They were talking to each other in low, incomprehensible tones while Jinsol poked and pinched at Jungeun’s cheeks. Occasionally Jungeun would tilt her head and place a slight kiss on Jinsol’s hand. I looked at them, and I let my eyes linger, but I didn’t feel anything. My chest didn’t hurt. My heart didn’t ache. The world didn’t feel like it was caving in on itself around me. It just felt... normal. Like nothing. Like how I felt when I saw Heejin and Hyunjin together - like I was uninvolved. A bystander.

Yeojin reached forward, clasping one of my hands, “Hey, can you sleepover?” I looked back at her warm eyes just as her thumb brushed against me softly and the contact made me... feel safe? I dunno. It’s hard to explain.

I smiled at her, probably the most sincere, genuine smile I’d smiled in a long time, “I don’t think so. I have that paper for history.”

She whined, pouting with her adorably pudgy cheeks, “Forget that! I miss youuu.”

I intertwined my fingers with hers and she tightened her grip at the gesture, “I literally see you every day.”

“That’s not true, you’re busy on weekends sometimes.” She always held that against me, like it was some personal attack if I had any sort of plan or responsibility that didn’t involve her, “Can we hangout tomorrow? Pleeeaasse? I really want to talk to you about something.” The last sentence of her list of pleas caught my attention.

“About what?” I asked slowly.

Something behind her eyes changed, and she hesitated again before answering - scanning the room first and seeming to process who was there. She lowered her voice - something she did very rarely - so only I could hear her next words, “I don’t want to talk about it here. Just... are you free tomorrow? We can go to our place.”

Our place. For a second or two I wondered what she meant, but I realized it without needing to ask. I guess it was “our place,” she’d just never really called it that before.

She had me effortlessly intrigued, so whatever plans I did have for the next day could be postponed, “Yeah. Sure. I’ll come by at noon okay?”

She nodded enthusiastically, one of her signature bright smiles lighting up her face, and then things went back to normal. We had our usual banter, our usual excitement and bickering and chasing each other around and joking and laughing. The longer I was with her the more carefree and light I felt, the more like _myself_ I felt. I left that night practically elated, smiling like a dope at nothing, hugging her goodbye and clinging to her for just a bit longer than I normally would’ve.

I showed up the next day right on time. She burst out the door before I’d even stepped onto the porch, charging at me and tackling me into another hug. I almost lost my footing, falling down one of her front steps, but she kept me standing.

“Are you trying to kill me??” I asked jokingly, shoving her shoulder and trying to pry myself from her iron grip around my waist.

She giggled, “I’ve been trying for years but it hasn’t worked!!”

I rolled my eyes, “Okay, well c’mon. I’m driving us.” I walked to my car parked in front but she didn’t release her hold on me. I practically had to drag the two of us there and then physically deposit her into the passenger’s seat.

“Can I drive??” She asked giddily as I got in the other side.

“Yeojin you don’t even have your license.” I started the engine and pulled onto the street, and she actually leaned over and tried to grab the wheel. I slapped her hand away, “Put your seatbelt on!”

She grumbled but listened to me, “You sound just like Haseul, and I have my permit! It’s not _as_ illegal for me to drive anymore.”

I scoffed at her, laughing lightly to myself, “You’re ridiculous.”

She giggled devilishly, propping her feet up on the dashboard, “You know you love me!”

I did. I really really did.

We parked in the usual lot, Yeojin practically leaping out of the car before it had a chance to fully stop. I didn’t even bother trying to scold her for that, it was no use. She clasped my hand and skipped ahead, leading the way to our place. It was an absolutely gorgeous day out - the sun was shining through white puffy clouds and a light breeze tousled our hair every now and then. I tried to get her to slow down so we could really enjoy the weather and the short walk, but she was having none of it.

“Our place” wasn’t much of a “place” at all, it was just a particularly secluded bench on a dirt path away from a busier part of a park, lined on both sides with cherry blossom trees. They’d started to fall and coat the path, drifting in the air and making everything impossibly pretty. We’d stumbled upon this little bench one day a year or so before, when Yeojin had somehow gotten herself lost during an outing at the park. She’d instantly dubbed the bench “ours,” because it had seemed so dilapidated and abandoned that it really did seem like we’d “discovered” it She’d even carved our names subtly onto the wood.

I sat with her, taking a few moments to breathe in the impossibly relaxing smell of the blossoms, tucking one of my legs beneath me and letting the other dangle carelessly off the edge of the bench. She sat too, cross-legged, facing me. Her usual energy abruptly seemed to leave her and she actually got calm. Whoa. Yeojin was calm like, 20% of the time. My brow furrowed and I looked at her instead of at the trees.

I pursed my lips for a second, her unusual demeanor actually making me remember the reason for this entire trip, “So what did you want to talk to me about...?”

Her expression was serious. It was so surreal. I could count the number of times I’d seen Yeojin serious on one hand. Instead of being curious I was sort of nervous now.

She sighed lightly, tracing her fingers absentmindedly along the patterns of the wood, lingering on where our names were vaguely visible “You’re my best friend Yerim. I can tell when something’s wrong. Something's _been_ wrong.” She said that with a tinge of regret, like she was mad at herself for not having talked to me about this sooner, “I was worried you'd get upset when I tried to bring it up, though, so I brought you to your favorite place.” She dared to smile again, the expression nothing more than a slight upturn at the corners of her lips instead of her usual ear-to-ear, toothy beaming.

I smiled too at the way she’d worded that, my chest strangely experiencing a sense of lightness and a tightening simultaneously, “You’re right, this is my favorite place. And you’re my favorite person.” That wasn’t an exaggeration. She really was.

Her cheeks flushed with color at the unanticipated, incredibly genuine compliment, “You’re my favorite person too. You beat everyone else by a landslide,” My heart fluttered. She leaned slightly closer, whispering now, “Don’t tell Jiwoo. She’ll get sad.”

I chuckled at her, “Gotcha. This is just between us.”

The air was light and I liked it that way. I didn’t want to talk about this, honestly. It was in the past, and I felt better then than I ever had, when it was just the two of us away from everything else. It was like our own little world, a safe bubble where I didn’t have to think about the bad things, where they couldn’t get me and they didn’t matter. The only thing that mattered when I was with Yeojin was Yeojin - nothing else. Not a single other thing, and I’d like to keep it like this. But she wanted to know. There was a glint to her eyes I’d never seen before and I could tell it was a wordless plea for me to just open up. To talk to her, to tell her, to be honest with her about things I’d only ever told one other person. Didn’t she deserve that, at the very least? Didn’t she deserve to know? 

She took a bit of a deeper breath, her smile slowly sliding from her face, “Okay. Now I mean, if you really don’t want to talk about whatever’s been bothering you, I don’t want to push, but...” She trailed off, leaving me to fill in the blank. I knew what she was implying but didn’t want to say outright: she was curious. Rightfully so - I’d never really kept anything from her before besides this. It wasn’t anything against her though, I hadn’t told anyone besides Heejin and that was only because she’d caught me at a really vulnerable moment. If I could go back, I never would’ve told her either.

I leaned my head against the side of the bench, looking at her fondly, knowing that there was no real reason to not tell her besides knowing it would be hard to force out. I left her hanging in tangible suspense for a few moments longer before finally starting to talk about this for the first time in two years.

“A couple years ago, I had a really bad crush.” My throat already felt tight just from revealing that all on its own. I swallowed hard, trying to keep it together before I had a chance to fall apart.

Yeojin tilted her head at me adorably, “Bad how?” She made her voice quiet and thoughtful, and I could tell just from the tone that she was trying to show me I could stop talking about this whenever I wanted. It was good to know I had that opportunity, but I didn’t plan on changing the subject.

I should talk about it and I knew that. Part of the reason that it probably hurt so badly for so long was because I let it fester. I gave it so much more power than it needed to have by treating it like a taboo secret, a burden only I could bear, when in reality I had so many supportive people around me who would’ve wanted nothing more than to help.

I pursed my lips for a second, still feeling a deep-seated hesitation despite knowing I shouldn’t, “Bad... like... actually, it wasn’t a crush.” I changed my wording. I should be completely honest. No more secrets, no more brushing past the truth. Yeojin raised an eyebrow at me, confused, “I was in love with them--” We both flinched, but for different reasons. She was just caught off guard at how strong the feelings had actually been, while I realized I was still hiding something. And I didn’t need to. Clenching my hands into fists, I corrected myself, “-- _her._ ”

She nodded slowly and I could tell she was consciously holding back how surprised she was. My whole body was tense and I couldn’t quite meet her eyes. This was a lot. I mean, I’d mentioned the whole “liking a girl” thing the night before, but I’d only said it was a crush. A small thing that didn’t matter, when that was so far from being the case, and now she knew. Even Heejin never fully understood just how intense it was, how much I’d really cared. Now Yeojin was the only one who knew this, and I think she was aware of that, and it was really affecting her. I’d never seen her be this serious throughout our entire friendship.

She didn’t interject again, just being uncharacteristically patient with me and sitting there in silence. A passerby at the park had stumbled upon the path and was walking thoughtfully along it, and I waited until he was out of earshot before I dared to speak up again.

“It was bad because... well, you can guess why.” Part of the reason I left that so open ended was because I really doubted my ability to say it so bluntly out loud. To say “oh, the first person I ever really loved didn’t have any sort of feelings for me back,” and act like that didn’t hurt to even think, let alone vocalize. I could already feel something rising in my chest that I recognized all too well as tears, but I didn’t want to cry. God, I was so sick of the crying. I was past it. I didn’t need to anymore. Right?

She could tell. She could instantly tell, and she scooted closer on the bench, frowning, her brow crinkling up in worry and concern. She rested her hand atop mine and the contact was so soft and sincere and sweet, it helped me keep it all back. It reminded me that this was in the past, that although it hurt me so terribly, it was over. I’d gotten through and come out on the other side, for better or for worse.

She was uncertain of what she was about to do, but understandably her curiosity got out of hand and she felt that she needed to ask, “You don’t have to answer this, but...”

I didn’t have to hear the question, already anticipating it and making a spontaneous decision to answer, “Jinsol. It was Jinsol.” Ouch. Saying her name like that just... hit me hard, for some reason, and I flinched slightly. I smiled bitterly, shutting my eyes just as they started to burn. Yeojin’s grip on my hand tightened, her fingers curling around mine.

“Oh...” She muttered to herself, probably not even having expected me to tell her at all. Something seemed to click for her after a few lingering moments of dense silence, “A couple years ago...? Wasn’t that when she and Jungeun...?” I used my free hand to partially conceal my face, not feeling stable enough to withdraw from her grasp yet, “ _Oh_.”

I shook my head back and forth, composure tangibly thinning more and more every second I relived all this, feeling vulnerable and weak and _stupid_. My cheeks lit with a blush and I tried desperately to hide my face, hide from her, hide from how much this still hurt when for every reason under the sun, it shouldn’t. It had happened. It was done. _I_ was done, I was past it, I’d moved on and recovered and didn’t like Jinsol anymore, not even a little. Was all of this just some sort of residual reaction that had been pent up in me from all the literal years of suffering in silence?

“Hey, hey,” She scooted closer again, her voice impossibly soft and so ridiculously comforting it sent me reeling, “It’s okay... god, Yerim, that’s awful. I’m sorry.” The apology was so confusingly sincere. Why was she sorry? She hadn’t done anything wrong.   
  


“For what?” I asked, incredibly grateful that my voice didn’t break or crack. I couldn’t bring myself to look at her or to show my face, the tears still threatening to erupt from me at the slightest slip of my tongue or if I got pushed even an inch over the edge.

“For not having been there for you. I should’ve known something was wrong and helped.” The guilt that audibly dripped from her words made my heart wrench.

In an instant I moved my hand so I could look at her, so I could match her gaze with my glossy eyes as tears clung to my eyelashes, emphasizing my words as firmly as I could manage, “Don’t do that. None of this is even remotely your fault, I was the stupid one who shut myself out from the people who mattered most. From you - the _best_ person, the person who makes me so happy from doing literally anything - just from _breathing_.” I hadn’t anticipated being so sentimental, but I didn’t seem to have even the slightest filter anymore. Everything I was saying was 100% raw and I couldn’t help it. My emotions were running high and they had nowhere to go except out.

She smiled sheepishly, the slight blush that had been on her cheeks deepening and spreading down her neck, “Ahh, shush. I’m being serious.”

I finally shifted my grip on her hand, intertwining our fingers together firmly, taking note of the way her hand slightly trembled, “I know. So am I.” My voice broke on the last word.

She frowned, seeming distraught at how upset I was, “Please don’t cry Yerim, I dunno what I’ll do if you cry.” She pleaded with me gently.

I laughed, blinking rapidly - trying to dismiss the tears before they could get any more intense. The feeling of her reaching with her free hand to trace soft circles along the back of my hand helped. It steadied me, steadied my slightly uneven breathing, soothed me. Just knowing she was there, that she always would be, that she always had been, it was so indescribably reassuring. And I knew, without needing to ask her or even say another word, that if I had gone to her when I was at my worst, if I had told her what was wrong and asked her for help, she would’ve been by my side through it all, every step of the way

We stayed there on that bench for what must’ve been hours, talking about anything and everything. She had a few more questions about the sad stuff and I answered slowly, making sure to pace myself so I wouldn’t lose it again. Any time I looked away, or my face fell, or my voice got weak, she’d scoot closer to me or hold my hand or brush her hand along my cheek and I’d instantly be drawn back into her carefree, happy aura. Pretty soon I’d practically forgotten the reason we’d come there, too lost in our laughter and her voice and the way she’d look at me sometimes to care about when things had been dark and empty. She made me forget, and I couldn’t find the words to ever come close to thanking her properly for that.

Once the sun was getting low and the sky was turning orange, I started to come back to reality and get a grasp on the time, “Oh, gosh, we’ve been here forever!” I pulled my hand away from hers and she pouted at me, “Yeojin-ahh, I really do have to write that paper.”

She huffed out a childish breath, “Okayy, fine...” She got a weird look that I couldn’t quite recognize, which was strange. I could normally tell what she was feeling from even the slightest glance, but I’d never seen that glint to her eyes before, “Wait, but--” There was an urgency to her tone I also hadn’t expected. This was weird, “Can you close your eyes for a second?” The question seemed stilted. Like she wasn’t even sure if it was a question.

I raised an eyebrow at her, not trusting this, “Why?”

She was blushing again. She’d been blushing a lot more than usual lately, which also wasn’t like her. For a few lingering moments I wondered if I should bring up _her_ weird behavior, but it didn’t necessarily seem like something was wrong - unlike me, so I guess it wasn’t too important.

She shrugged but the indifference was forced, “I wanna try something.”

I scoffed under my breath, wondering if it was possible for me to be prepared for whatever it was she planned on doing, “Ok...” I shut my eyes slowly, but felt myself tense as soon as I heard her shifting on the bench, “--You better not put dirt on me or something!!” I did my best to sound threatening but I don’t think it worked very well.

She seemed unfazed, but I still was having a frustratingly hard time reading whatever it was behind the tone of her voice, “No, no, just...” She trailed off, going quiet, and all I could hear was the way that the light breeze faintly rustled the cherry blossoms. For a while, nothing happened. I didn’t hear her move again, and I was just sitting there feeling stupid, bracing myself for some sort of impact, for her to shove me or tickle me or put a bug in my hair or something along those lines, but she didn’t.

Instead, finally after a few lingering seconds, I heard her move again.

And I felt something soft press lightly against my lips.

I couldn’t help it, my eyes shot open on instinct, and they only got wider when I saw Yeojin, flush against me, _kissing_ me, and my mind seemed to short circuit. I didn’t know what to do, I couldn’t think or move or do much of anything, I was dumbstruck.

I came to my senses after what must’ve been only a moment and I gently shoved forward, detaching her from me by her shoulder. She sat back in her previous spot and I couldn’t read her face, couldn’t do anything besides blush and stutter and try to think even a single actual thought.

“Whoa, I-I, um--?” I smiled nervously, giggling like an idiot, responses that were familiar to something that couldn’t have been any less familiar.

She shrugged again, seeming way less affected by that than I was, “Okay, just wanted to see!” Her voice was normal. She was being normal. How could she be normal right now?? What was going on?? Did I just hallucinate that??? Was this even happening???

My jaw had long since dropped and I couldn’t seem to close it, “See what??” How did she want me to react to this?? How was I _supposed_ to react to this???  
  


Why was my heart beating so fast...?

She swung her legs over the edge of the bench, getting to her feet and extending a hand down to me, “What all the fuss was about!” She said that like it was self-explanatory.

The fuss? What fuss?? Kissing girls?? Did she think _I’d_ kissed a girl before, because I absolutely had never, I’d never kissed anyone! Had she?? I had so many different questions but I found myself too scared to ask them, my heart still in my throat and my hands shaking. I got to my feet without accepting her hand, but my legs felt like jelly.

“U-um, okay...?” I didn’t know what else to say.

She changed the topic as we headed back to the car, effortlessly holding bubly conversation with me about casual, normal stuff and pointing out any dog that passed by, like usual. I was so out of it, I desperately struggled to keep up with her, to act like I wasn’t bothered, but I was. I was so incredibly bothered, and I couldn’t figure out why - why my heart kept swelling and my cheeks were still flushed and why I couldn’t look at her eyes for too long without getting lost there...

Whoa. What was going on?

The days dragged on and I didn’t talk about what had happened on that bench, it just didn’t get brought up again by either of us. That didn’t mean I’d stopped thinking about it though. Quite the opposite. I replayed that kiss over and over again in my head nearly every second, reliving what I’d said, how I’d reacted, how it felt, how soft her skin was, how the sound of her voice made me smile without her even needing to try, how I knew everything about her - even the bad stuff - and it just made me love her even more...

Oh boy. Okay. What was happening?

All of my time was devoted to just trying to sort out my own thoughts, trying to figure out what it was that I was feeling, trying to convince myself it wasn’t what I knew it was because I was _so_ scared of _feeling_ that again. It only ever led up to pain and unrequited feelings and sadness, and I’d had enough of that. I just couldn’t bear any more pain, I couldn’t bear falling for someone again and getting turned down, I couldn’t let another part of my heart just wither away - there wasn’t much left for me to give.

I swallowed it down, suppressed it, pretended like it wasn’t there because it wasn’t supposed to be. It was hard. Sometimes it felt like I was warring with my own brain again - actively shutting down trains of thoughts when I started to go down them, having mental fights with myself whenever I found myself daydreaming about things that wouldn’t ever happen. We were friends-- no, we were _best_ friends, and that was enough. That had always been enough. Why did I have to want more? Why did my stupid heart always have to ruin everything?

Months went by like this and things didn’t change, really, besides my constant internalized battle against emotions that were always lingering at the top of my chest. We still saw each other every day. We still spent as much time together as we could. She was still lively and touchy and affectionate, and I was too, but sometimes I’d catch myself staring for longer than I should. Sometimes I’d hold her hand a bit tighter than normal, or my eyes would flit to her lips and think back to that time on the bench. I ignored it. I didn’t want to lose her.

My mind flashed back to my conversation with Heejin in that bathroom so long ago, how she’d asked me to consider if Jinsol was “the type” who would abandon me after I confessed me feelings, and I’d said no. Yeojin wouldn’t abandon me either. Heck, I couldn’t get rid of Yeojin if I tried, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

So... should I tell her?

Should I say something? Confess?

No. What was the point? Was I really going to be able to deal with even the slightest hint of rejection? I didn’t think so. I was so fragile in that department, with anything romantic, just from how badly I’d been burned last time.

One day we were sitting in her room, both mildly out of breath from having chased one another all over her house for a solid twenty minutes because she’d snatched a lollipop straight from my hand and dared me to get it back. I was almost successful, having literally tackled her to the floor of her room while I tried to pry it from her, but she chomped down and ate the whole thing in one bite as soon as she realized I almost had the upper hand.

I leaned against her bed, both of us still on her carpet while she giggled devilishly at me. She was way too pleased with herself.

“You are _so_ mean,” I whined at her, the stick of the lollipop still poking out from between her toothy smile, “This is the worst betrayal I’ve ever experienced in my life.”

“I’d say sorry, but I’m really not.” She tossed the stick carelessly over her shoulder to somewhere else in her always semi-messy room.

I rolled my eyes, that same affection swelling up in my chest and forcing me to look away from her. That affection that had once had so many less connotations behind it, the affection that made my head start to hurt now from how many conflicting thoughts would run through me all at once whenever I felt it, “I appreciate your honesty.”

Her childish giggling trailed off abruptly and I wasn’t sure why. Getting it together after a few seconds, I dared to look at her and I couldn’t read her expression. It reminded me of the one she’d gotten that day on the bench - the one I couldn’t forget no matter how hard I tried. My heart skipped a beat. Why was she looking at me like that again? What did it mean? Was I reading into things? I was really good at reading into things, so that was pretty possible.

Her brow crinkled up slightly in the middle and my heart fluttered at how adorable she was. I slapped myself in my head. None of that.

“Yerim, we’re best friends, right?” Her question was asked so softly and innocently, like she wasn’t sure what I’d say to that. It caught me off guard - where did that come from?

My response was immediate, automatic, “Absolutely.” We were best friends. Just best friends. I valued her more than anyone I’d ever met, but I kept that comment back. I’d gotten more careful with what I said lately, worried that I’d unintentionally hint at things without meaning to.

She scooted slightly closer to me on the floor, crossing her legs and fiddling nervously with her fingers in her lap. This was weird. Why was she nervous? Yeojin didn’t get nervous, I didn’t think she even knew what nervousness was.

“And...” She took a deep breath, her hands starting to tremble slightly. I tilted my head at her, feeling more concerned than curious, “...best friends don’t keep secrets, right?”

“Yeah...” I had no idea where she was going with this.

“And best friends don’t ever stop being best friends, right?” She sounded scared. Yeojin didn’t get scared either, at least not about things that actually mattered. She was scared of the dark and centipedes and banjo music, not me. Never of me.

“Yeojin, what’s this about?” I asked her softly, edging closer. Part of me wanted to reach forward, clasp her hands to try and steady them, really just do anything to calm her down. I didn’t like seeing her like this, thinking that even the slightest thing was wrong with her. I felt an unfamiliar protectiveness rising up in me and all I wanted to do was make her feel better, no matter what.

She brushed some of her hair out of her face, a motion that made my stomach do a little flip. It seemed like she was really thinking hard about how to say whatever it was she was going to say, like it was a big deal. The suspense was killing me.

“...remember how I kissed you that time?”

The air got sucked straight out of the room, or at least it did for me. I almost sputtered. I’m not sure what I’d expected her to say, but it wasn’t _that._ I’d almost started to assume that she’d forgotten that even happened. She had a pretty bad memory and she’d been so flippant about it, I wouldn’t have been surprised, but... the way she asked me, the caution and worry so clear in her tone, it made me realize she absolutely hadn’t forgotten. That she’d thought about it since then, just like I had, but neither of us had dared to say a word.

“Yeah...?” I clenched my hands into fists, becoming hyper aware of how close together we were, taking note of the distance and wishing it was smaller.

Color came to her face again. She was embarrassed. So was I, but for some reason I wasn’t blushing that time. I wasn’t sure why.

Yeojin took a deep breath, her expression changing again and becoming less uncertain - more decisive. My next breath got caught in my throat in preparation for whatever decision she’d made, “I lied.”

The air got thick and it started to weigh me down. She’d lied? About what...? About why she’d done it...? My brain was going a million miles a minute, an overflow of conflicting thoughts and hopes and questions flooding me. I didn’t say anything, just sat there with my lips parted, slack-jawed.

She looked scared again, and if I had been able to function I would’ve surged closer and hugged her, but I was too shocked to even move. Despite her nerves, she’d made a decision and she stuck with it. I knew she would. She was so stubborn.

“I-I did it because I wanted to.”

Wanted to??? She _wanted_ to kiss me??? My heart was beating so hard and fast I was worried it’d just burst straight out of my ribcage and land on her lap, but none of it was showing through on the outside. Outside, I was just sitting there with my mouth gaped open, staring at her in disbelief.

I think she thought I was confused. Like I didn’t understand what she was implying, but I did. I was just so taken aback, so absolutely overwhelmed. I almost didn’t want to let myself believe it, too scared that something would go wrong, that I was dreaming, that none of this was real or that I’d read the signals incorrectly somehow.

So she elaborated, and my whole world seemed to just get flipped upside down, “Because, I... Yerim, I think I have a crush on you.” Her voice was so timid and small, I could barely hear her.

I still didn’t say a word. I know I should’ve but it seriously felt like I couldn’t talk even if I tried.

So she kept going. More and more just kept tumbling out of her, without even the slightest sort of filter, confessions coming one after another, breaking down the walls I’d built up around my heart more and more with every single one, “A-and it’s nothing crazy, just a little thing, so I mean, I can make it go away if you want, but I’ve been keeping it a secret and I don’t like having secrets with you, it doesn’t feel right, so I-I thought I should tell you but also you can pretend you don’t know this if you’d rather not know it, it’s just a dumb thing I shouldn’t have even--”

I couldn’t talk but that didn’t mean I couldn’t move. So I did.

I broke the space between us, gently placing my hand on one of her cheeks and daring to press my lips ever so softly against hers. God, the butterflies in my chest were going absolutely insane - a pleasant buzzing going through me that I hadn’t felt for years and never thought I’d ever let myself feel again. She stopped her rambling, obviously, and I felt her start to shake. One of her hands reached forward and just barely rested on my arm, like she wasn’t sure what to do or what she could touch.

Feeling myself getting lightheaded after a few dragging moments, I forced myself to pull back ever so slightly, resting my forehead against hers and finally letting myself stare. Letting myself get lost in her soft, warm brown eyes, and take it all in. 

“Shh. You talk too much...” I muttered, trying and absolutely failing to make my voice steady.

“So do you.” She giggled, adorably flustered, her smile so wide and genuine it made me laugh right along with her, slightly startled that I’d gotten so bold. I don’t think either of us expected it, but I was glad. God, I was _so_ glad, _so_ happy.

It felt like some part of me was blooming, a part I thought I’d lost such a long time ago when everything had been dark and barren, something that had withered and gone away was coming back. And it was all thanks to her. My heart was swelling and fluttering in a way that I’d never felt it before, with such intense affection and appreciation and adoration it made my whole body tingle with fuzziness. Her skin was warm and she felt like flowers and her laugh made me smile without her even having to try.

I loved her, and this time she loved me too.


End file.
